Tips on Being an Adult: Cooking

I've reached a point in my life where I like to believe I make a very convincing adult. True, I was once at a Costco where the cheesecake sample lady told me I needed my parent's permission to take a sample last summer right after my 20th birthday, but in most circumstances I totally pull off being a mature adult.

STEP ONE: Convince people you're very good at cooking. 

When I was in high school, I really liked baking. Now baking is cute, but in order to be considered mature while baking you have to be like, REALLY good at baking. And that's not the goal here. The goal is to trick people into thinking "Hey, this girl is classy because she's good at making food" without actually having to put in any effort to it.  

The first thing you should do is cut up onions and mince garlic. You should do this even if you don't plan on using the onions or the garlic. It just smells so good that people will walk into the room and go "Oh what are you making? Smells good!!" They have no idea you have accomplished nothing.

Now that you've cut these onions and garlic, I would recommend cooking them, it gives the same effect as the first step, but adds the ambiance of a sizzling pan to the scene. Look at you go, ya lil' chef you.

After that, it relies on a lot of blind belief in yourself. I usually just saute a bunch of vegetables or add some form of protein, then make pasta or rice to go with it. Don't forget to season with a little bit of salt. If you're feeling dangerous throw a crazy spice in there as well, but be careful because that can really easily go wrong. People will be impressed literally 100% of the time.

TIPS ON COOKING:

I like watching shows on Food Network a lot when I have cable and realize I don't know what to watch that isn't on Netflix. One of those shows was called Worst Cooks in America, where Bobby Flay and Anne Burrell would take people who are really bad at cooking and make them really competent at cooking. For example, do not boil an entire chicken, because that won't work. Thanks Bobby Flay!!

Dream Team

But, there were a few episodes that I got quick tips that I use today. The most important one I think was flavor balance. It's like science: when you have something with a high base (like olive oil or butter), you should counterbalance it with something acidic (like vinegar, white wine, lemon juice etc.) If you're cooking and something seems wrong, just try adding a little bit of that and it usually fixes the problem.

My final tip for you is the most important one: put sriracha in everything you ever cook.  The Oatmeal did a post about sriracha rooster sauce that really speaks to me. Even if the people you're cooking for don't like spicy food, add like...a little bit in there. If you're using the flavor balance thing, it can count towards your acidic counterbalance.

This entry essentially reveals my greatest cooking secrets, but it's for the greater good.

So rev' up those fryers, cause I sure am hungry.

No caption necessary.