On becoming a mermaid

When I was a kid, I always really liked swimming. My mom would laugh and call me her "little fish", saying if I stayed in the water too long I would end up growing gills and I'd never be able to leave the water. From that point on, it was my goal to grow up and turn into a mermaid. I'm pretty sure this is still a realistic goal.

This seemed to be perfectly rational, especially after watching the classic Disney Channel Original Movie The Thirteenth Year (1999) when I was six years old. If you're not familiar with this movie, get out right now because we clearly cannot be friends. I just told you this movie justified my childhood life goals.

BASICALLY, it's a heartwarming tale of a young boy whose mother was a mermaid, and for some reason (I think it was a cruel boater) she had to leave him on a buoy where a childless couple finds him and raises him as their own. That is, until he turns thirteen, where instead of hitting puberty things get weird and he turns into a mermaid instead.

My understanding of growing up.

So if you haven't seen the movie I really recommend you find it online and watch it. Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey from Full House) is the dad in the movie and a young boy turns into a mermaid like, what more can you ask for.

Now I realize this movie was a coming of age story where "becoming a mermaid" is an analogy for "becoming an adult" or at least, embracing the awkward life you start living around your thirteenth birthday. But at the time of the film's release, I was 100% certain this movie was a synopsis of what happens to adopted children when they turn 13. It all made sense, my mom was always saying this would happen when we went to the pool or the beach. She was preparing me for my destiny.

Now as I grew older I came to realize that no, I would not be a mermaid by my thirteenth year. The Disney channel had produced a cruel deception for aspiring mystical creatures everywhere. Now I'm left hoping that technology will catch up in the near future in order to make me a mermaid. Or a cyborg, I GUESS. 

Tips on Being an Adult: Cooking

I've reached a point in my life where I like to believe I make a very convincing adult. True, I was once at a Costco where the cheesecake sample lady told me I needed my parent's permission to take a sample last summer right after my 20th birthday, but in most circumstances I totally pull off being a mature adult.

STEP ONE: Convince people you're very good at cooking. 

When I was in high school, I really liked baking. Now baking is cute, but in order to be considered mature while baking you have to be like, REALLY good at baking. And that's not the goal here. The goal is to trick people into thinking "Hey, this girl is classy because she's good at making food" without actually having to put in any effort to it.  

The first thing you should do is cut up onions and mince garlic. You should do this even if you don't plan on using the onions or the garlic. It just smells so good that people will walk into the room and go "Oh what are you making? Smells good!!" They have no idea you have accomplished nothing.

Now that you've cut these onions and garlic, I would recommend cooking them, it gives the same effect as the first step, but adds the ambiance of a sizzling pan to the scene. Look at you go, ya lil' chef you.

After that, it relies on a lot of blind belief in yourself. I usually just saute a bunch of vegetables or add some form of protein, then make pasta or rice to go with it. Don't forget to season with a little bit of salt. If you're feeling dangerous throw a crazy spice in there as well, but be careful because that can really easily go wrong. People will be impressed literally 100% of the time.

TIPS ON COOKING:

I like watching shows on Food Network a lot when I have cable and realize I don't know what to watch that isn't on Netflix. One of those shows was called Worst Cooks in America, where Bobby Flay and Anne Burrell would take people who are really bad at cooking and make them really competent at cooking. For example, do not boil an entire chicken, because that won't work. Thanks Bobby Flay!!

Dream Team

But, there were a few episodes that I got quick tips that I use today. The most important one I think was flavor balance. It's like science: when you have something with a high base (like olive oil or butter), you should counterbalance it with something acidic (like vinegar, white wine, lemon juice etc.) If you're cooking and something seems wrong, just try adding a little bit of that and it usually fixes the problem.

My final tip for you is the most important one: put sriracha in everything you ever cook.  The Oatmeal did a post about sriracha rooster sauce that really speaks to me. Even if the people you're cooking for don't like spicy food, add like...a little bit in there. If you're using the flavor balance thing, it can count towards your acidic counterbalance.

This entry essentially reveals my greatest cooking secrets, but it's for the greater good.

So rev' up those fryers, cause I sure am hungry.

No caption necessary.

Blogging is like, really hard.

Blogs really freak me out man. I like, don't think I get them.

What is it people expect from blogs?

When I was thinking about making a blog a few weeks ago, I was like "Yeah this is totally a good idea. I have so many crazy stories that I can write about wow!!!" But now I have a bunch of draft posts just kind of sitting around staring at me like "What was your plan Meghan?"

Nailed it.

Writing is hard, dude. I like to think of myself as a pretty good writer...of facebook statuses. And hey, sit me down for a conversation and there's a really good chance that I'm also highly proficient at communicating through that channel of interaction as well. But writing blog posts? That's like a science that I clearly haven't mastered.

Maybe part of it is the fact that I'm not the biggest reader around. Which is to say, I don't really read at all. I've always been more of a T.V. show kind of person. Not movies, no, specifically television shows. I used to read when I was younger, but that was the usual reading that you'd either be required to do in school, or Harry Potter. I do like reading textbooks though, but for some reason nobody ever seems as excited as me about it.

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine, Jack, who is a writer. The conversation went as follows:

Me: Hey Jack! What are you up to?

Jack: Going to go finish reading my book on writing for comic books.

Me: Oh, are you writing a comic book??

Jack: No, I just want to know how to.

I didn't even realize there were books specifically for writing comic books, but I mean I guess it makes sense? This entry kind of fell apart, but I opened with the fact that I don't know how to write so hopefully you'll forgive me. Maybe I should read a book about how to blog.

Perf.

Remember when your teachers told you cursive was going to be an extremely important life skill?

I still resent them for that.

New entries soon. Promise.