Monday, April 28, 2014

On becoming a mermaid

When I was a kid, I always really liked swimming. My mom would laugh and call me her "little fish", saying if I stayed in the water too long I would end up growing gills and I'd never be able to leave the water. From that point on, it was my goal to grow up and turn into a mermaid. I'm pretty sure this is still a realistic goal.

This seemed to be perfectly rational, especially after watching the classic Disney Channel Original Movie The Thirteenth Year (1999) when I was six years old. If you're not familiar with this movie, get out right now because we clearly cannot be friends. I just told you this movie justified my childhood life goals.

BASICALLY, it's a heartwarming tale of a young boy whose mother was a mermaid, and for some reason (I think it was a cruel boater) she had to leave him on a buoy where a childless couple finds him and raises him as their own. That is, until he turns thirteen, where instead of hitting puberty things get weird and he turns into a mermaid instead.
My understanding of growing up.
So if you haven't seen the movie I really recommend you find it online and watch it. Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey from Full House) is the dad in the movie and a young boy turns into a mermaid like, what more can you ask for.

Now I realize this movie was a coming of age story where "becoming a mermaid" is an analogy for "becoming an adult" or at least, embracing the awkward life you start living around your thirteenth birthday. But at the time of the film's release, I was 100% certain this movie was a synopsis of what happens to adopted children when they turn 13. It all made sense, my mom was always saying this would happen when we went to the pool or the beach. She was preparing me for my destiny.

Now as I grew older I came to realize that no, I would not be a mermaid by my thirteenth year. The Disney channel had produced a cruel deception for aspiring mystical creatures everywhere. Now I'm left hoping that technology will catch up in the near future in order to make me a mermaid. Or a cyborg, I GUESS. 

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